Just something to make you laugh out loud.

[talksalot]

OK... if you can read this and not laugh out loud... you are on the wrong forum.

PS.  This came as a forward from my 85-year-old mother, so I'm not sure of the original source.

PPS.  If you want to truly enjoy this... everytime a team is mentioned, replace that team with 'Butler.'
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"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football" - John Heisman       

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." – Bear Bryant / Alabama

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!" - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame   

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have any." – Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."  -  Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame

"When you win, nothing hurts."  -  Joe Namath / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."  -  Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."  -  Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation.  I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."  -  Bob Devaney / Nebraska   

"In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."  -  Wally Butts / Georgia

"I never graduated from Iowa.  But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."  –  Alex Karras / Iowa

"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor."  -  Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades."  - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."  -  Shug Jordan / Auburn   

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me ."   He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good."  -  Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel."  -  Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport.  Dancing IS a contact sport."  -  Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, "All those who need showers, take them."  -  John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education."  -  Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb.  To be a back, you only have to be dumb."   -  Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."   -  Darrell Royal / Texas   

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not  blocking."   -  John McKay / USC

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."   -  Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Ohio State 's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

Why do Texas fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird. "The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Why did the OSU linebacker steal a police car? He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

[Just Sayin]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "OK. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you OK?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Don't mess with old people!