Jokes

bbtds · December 09, 2020, 12:12:14 PM

If anyone gets an email from me about pork meat in a can made by Hormel in Minnesota don't open it.

It's Spam!

bbtds · December 11, 2020, 04:26:03 AM

What's the difference between the people of Abu Dhabi and the people of Dubai?

The people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones. The people of Abu Dhabi do.

bbtds · December 11, 2020, 01:01:24 PM

I noticed that my car battery had two knobs sticking out of it from the top. I decided to have it tested. Turns out one knob was positive. I was truly saddened. The other turned out to be negative but the real bad news was that both were terminal.

bbtds · December 11, 2020, 01:06:08 PM

A professional impaler relayed his favorite joke.

A bar walked into a human mid section.........

bbtds · December 11, 2020, 10:15:13 PM

A guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his girlfriend from his wallet and said, "She's beautiful isn't she?"

I said, " "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife."

He asked, "Why, is she a stunner?"

I replied, "No, she's an optician"

bbtds · December 13, 2020, 10:27:51 AM

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really" she spat, "then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

bbtds · December 14, 2020, 09:12:42 AM

Quote from: bbtds on December 11, 2020, 10:15:13 PM
A guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his girlfriend from his wallet and said, "She's beautiful isn't she?"

I said, " "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife."

He asked, "Why, is she a stunner?"

I replied, "No, she's an optician"

Has anybody got this joke yet?

It took me two days.

If the husband of the optician wants the other man on the train to see his wife but not because she is beautiful..........................

bbtds · December 14, 2020, 09:22:48 AM

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

bbtds · December 14, 2020, 09:27:57 AM

For musicians,

A "C", E-flat and "G" walk into a bar. The bartender shows them the door. The E-flat asks "why can't we stay?"

The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve minors."

bbtds · December 14, 2020, 09:34:56 AM

The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

Comic Sans, Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

The bartender shouts "Get Out"

"We don't serve your type here!"

A screwdriver walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The screwdriver squeals "You have a drink named Philips?"

The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

A panda walks into a bar.

He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

"Hey!" shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, "I'm a panda. Google me!"

Sure enough, panda: "A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

bbtds · December 15, 2020, 09:45:05 AM

Why was I the only one naked at the gender reveal party?

talksalot · December 15, 2020, 09:51:02 AM

There are three types of people good at statistics. those who can add and those who can't.

bbtds · December 15, 2020, 09:51:16 AM

The Panther from EMU was saying " gum wrappers, paper plates, pencil shavings, copy paper, pop cans, toothpaste tubes, etc.

Suddenly, Erin Gordon punches the Panther right in the mouth.

Coach Lottich asks, " Eron, why did you do that?"

Eron: "He was talking trash."

bbtds · December 15, 2020, 12:45:12 PM

Woman: I think (political figure) was sent by God.

Groucho: Why? Did he run out of locusts?

bbtds · December 15, 2020, 12:52:51 PM

Jerry was in a Hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"

The nurse raises his gown, holds his member in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."

Jerry pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?!"

bbtds · December 16, 2020, 11:13:47 AM

Mitch McConnell walks into a bar, and six weeks later he says, 'I am in a bar.'"

bbtds · December 16, 2020, 12:40:38 PM

Why do the people of Athens hate getting up early?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece!

bbtds · December 16, 2020, 12:43:52 PM

Trump's attempt to change the outcome of the 2020 presidential election.

bbtds · December 21, 2020, 11:34:58 AM

One pharmacist labeled the boxes in his warehouse "Funky Cold Moderna"

bbtds · January 13, 2021, 09:03:58 PM

A man woke up in his bed with a terrible hangover. His wife nudged him and said gently "I need your wallet. I have to buy groceries. It's Saturday." He reaches into his pants which are on a chair but doesn't find his wallet. He says "oh, no. I must have left my wallet at that place last night." His wife says "well, where were you last night." He says "I can't remember, but it had a green door and a gold plated toilet seat." She says "Oh, great! Now we have to go all over town looking for a green door and see if they have a gold plated toilet seat." So the couple drives around town looking for a green door. They finally find a house with a green door and the husband knocks and a lady answers. He asks "by chance did I happen to leave my wallet here last night?" The lady turns away from the door and yells towards the back of the house, "Hey Charlie, I think I found the guy who sh#t in your tuba."